I have always felt it was
important to leave the past exactly where it should be...in the past. However,
this weekend I came across some long forgotten, but definitely eye-opening,
letters and journals I didn't even remember I had. As I started to clean out
bins of things I could finally let go of, it was like opening a time capsule
of information, memories, and feelings. Opening envelopes of letters I had written
and then carefully tucked away after the recipient read them (as that person
lived in the same house), it finally became evidently clear that my desperation
and eventual suicide attempt did not "just happen." It was years and years of
accumulated behavior patterns and cycles that were never broken until the suppression
finally wore me down ... the ultimate act of my body and soul telling me ...
ENOUGH! In order for anyone to truly heal, we need to break through the blockages
and cycles that keep repeating. These blockages will continue to surface until
dealt with and healed in the proper manner. Blockages can be such things as
unresolved issues, denials, thought patterns, the wounded inner child, beliefs,
labels, etc. When these blockages appear and are not resolved, they eventually
show up as illness or disease. That is what happened in my case. Slowly but
surely my body gave me signs, nudgingly at first, and then glaringly evident
and in my face. I was so caught up in a cycle of taking care of everything and
everyone, ignoring symptoms that arose in my body, trying to control all the
uncontrollable situations that were arising around me as my household ship was
sinking and my other half (at the time) was literally out-to-sea! As he was
working to keep his ship afloat and fight for our Country, I was sinking as
I was trying to fight for our family. I felt extremely alone - like I was in
quagmire of quicksand trying to keep my head from going under. Literally, the
feeling was suffocating as my body slowly faded down to nothing without my even
noticing. Comments of "are you ok" became a constant at my job because I was
too "busy" to pay attention to my symptoms. The bottom line, I was suppressing
emotions and not dealing with them. Living a cycle of trying to please and be
perfect to prove my value and hold up the contract I thought I made with myself
which was; I had to be perfect. If an emotion is not dealt with, it gets stored
as a shadow personality and will continue to come out in different ways trying
to be heard. My story and this cycle is not just mine. This is the story of
many young women trying to find their place, trying to prove their worth and
be perfect in an imperfect world. It usually shows up in young relationships
where many times one person is trying to keep a relationship going and the unhealthy
cycle begins. A silent crying out of "accept me," "love me," "don't leave me,"
"I will do anything" - perpetuating the young love cycle of love/hate, jealousy,
brooding and heartbreak. This eventually leads to the emotions of fear, guilt
and anxiety because we haven't developed a toolbox of healthy responses to what
our future life will present to us. The saying "if I knew then what I know now"
clearly comes to mind as well as "with experience comes wisdom." Now that I
am on the other side of these lessons and always continuing to learn, it is
hard to watch my children partaking in the same emotional merry-go-round without
the foresight to understand that how they react now will mold their future life
path. We do have the power to change our thoughts, learn from our mistakes,
heal our lives and find our joy. As parents we must, with guidance, allow our
children to walk their own path so they can acquire their own individual toolbox
of skills and responses to navigate their future. Once we get the lessons, we
can focus on the present and allow the past to stay where it is…in the past.
Sometimes it's the scars that remind you that you survived. Sometimes
the scars tell you that you have healed.
- Ashley D.
Wallis
Labels: blockages, cella, cella's chat, cycle, marcella, marcella zappia, past, suicidal, suicidal tendencies, suicide, zappia
