Cella’s Chat: What Does Your Past Reveal?

I have always felt it was important to leave the past exactly where it should be...in the past. However, this weekend I came across some long forgotten, but definitely eye-opening, letters and journals I didn't even remember I had. As I started to clean out bins of things I could finally let go of, it was like opening a time capsule of information, memories, and feelings. Opening envelopes of letters I had written and then carefully tucked away after the recipient read them (as that person lived in the same house), it finally became evidently clear that my desperation and eventual suicide attempt did not "just happen." It was years and years of accumulated behavior patterns and cycles that were never broken until the suppression finally wore me down ... the ultimate act of my body and soul telling me ... ENOUGH! In order for anyone to truly heal, we need to break through the blockages and cycles that keep repeating. These blockages will continue to surface until dealt with and healed in the proper manner. Blockages can be such things as unresolved issues, denials, thought patterns, the wounded inner child, beliefs, labels, etc. When these blockages appear and are not resolved, they eventually show up as illness or disease. That is what happened in my case. Slowly but surely my body gave me signs, nudgingly at first, and then glaringly evident and in my face. I was so caught up in a cycle of taking care of everything and everyone, ignoring symptoms that arose in my body, trying to control all the uncontrollable situations that were arising around me as my household ship was sinking and my other half (at the time) was literally out-to-sea! As he was working to keep his ship afloat and fight for our Country, I was sinking as I was trying to fight for our family. I felt extremely alone - like I was in quagmire of quicksand trying to keep my head from going under. Literally, the feeling was suffocating as my body slowly faded down to nothing without my even noticing. Comments of "are you ok" became a constant at my job because I was too "busy" to pay attention to my symptoms. The bottom line, I was suppressing emotions and not dealing with them. Living a cycle of trying to please and be perfect to prove my value and hold up the contract I thought I made with myself which was; I had to be perfect. If an emotion is not dealt with, it gets stored as a shadow personality and will continue to come out in different ways trying to be heard. My story and this cycle is not just mine. This is the story of many young women trying to find their place, trying to prove their worth and be perfect in an imperfect world. It usually shows up in young relationships where many times one person is trying to keep a relationship going and the unhealthy cycle begins. A silent crying out of "accept me," "love me," "don't leave me," "I will do anything" - perpetuating the young love cycle of love/hate, jealousy, brooding and heartbreak. This eventually leads to the emotions of fear, guilt and anxiety because we haven't developed a toolbox of healthy responses to what our future life will present to us. The saying "if I knew then what I know now" clearly comes to mind as well as "with experience comes wisdom." Now that I am on the other side of these lessons and always continuing to learn, it is hard to watch my children partaking in the same emotional merry-go-round without the foresight to understand that how they react now will mold their future life path. We do have the power to change our thoughts, learn from our mistakes, heal our lives and find our joy. As parents we must, with guidance, allow our children to walk their own path so they can acquire their own individual toolbox of skills and responses to navigate their future. Once we get the lessons, we can focus on the present and allow the past to stay where it is…in the past.

Sometimes it's the scars that remind you that you survived. Sometimes the scars tell you that you have healed.

- Ashley D. Wallis

Labels: , , , , , , , , , ,